Friday, December 17, 2010


Things have been good since my last post. The husband said yes. You'd think I'd be ecstatic, but I've heard yes before. Once the tears dry, the yes becomes a no. Not a good time. Not ready yet. Or just plain, "No." I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

He asked for one year. One year of a happy wife. One year of going on vacations (unencumbered). One year of time for just us.

The bad days still come, and I wonder if my year starts over each time. At this rate, he'll never have to worry about following through. I am doing better; I rarely lose it over commercials anymore.

Holding my infant niece is the hardest. I'm fine while we are surrounded by laughing and talking family. It's in that silent minute between conversation, that the despair creeps in. The fear that I won't ever hold my baby. That the soft sigh of a sleeping infant on my chest will always belong to someone else. It feels soo right and yet so unreachable. As much as I try to think aunt/niece, I can't help imagining mom/child.