Monday, July 12, 2010

Photo Album

On various social networking sites parents proudly post pictures of their precious offspring. Mommy, Daddy and baby all smiling happily for the camera. Are they really that happy??

Husband thinks that all divorces are caused by children. (Wonder what that means for our parents who are still on thier first marriages and seemed to survive having us just fine?) While I admit that children add another layer of stress in a family, I don't think they on their own are enough to break a solid couple. I think divorce happens to couples who already were unstable or who go through more stresses than just being parents. Then again, maybe that's just what I want to believe. I don't want to believe that the happiest day of my life will the end of my marriage.

I can hardly stand to log on anymore. Everyone is pregnant. Everyone is happy. The babies are adorable. And I'm constantly reminded of what I might not have. Constant reminders of time marching on and eggs withering. Sure I might still be able to get pregnant at 40, but who wants (in a perfect world) to be 60 and attending their high school graduation?

Monday, July 5, 2010

Me today, Mom tomorrow?

Today, I don't want to be a mom. Today, I have the whole day to just be me and to do whatever I want to do. No demands, no "mommy, mommy, mommy," no "I want...," no "it's not fair" tempertantrums. No messes to clean up that I didn't make. No cartoons on the tv. No Pb & J lunches, no macaroni & cheese dinners.

But everyday is like today for me. I'm not a mom. I might not ever be a mom. And while I miss out on all the hassels and headaches, I wonder what else I'm missing out on: dandelion bouquets, the soft sighs of a sleeping baby, sticky hugs filled with love...

Seems like taking the easy way out to avoid the bad in life. So does the good outway the bad?

I want all the good things. I can see it, feel it. I see kids getting ready for school, fighting over the bathroom. I see family dinners around the table. I can feel that pink bundle in my arms. She is as light as a dream.

As much as half of me can only picture the good, another part of me sees the bad. The stress, both financially and personally, the constant bickering, the loss of free time and choice. The negative is all the husband sees. And without him on board for this long-term lifestyle change, I can't be a mom.

Some days, the thought of never being a mom makes my soul ache.

However, today, I'm thankful for my me time. I get to be selfish and sip my chai latte, munch on my cream cheese bagel, and start this blog on the computer, read my book, and relax.

Today, I don't want to be a mom. If I can have days like this, days where I don't want to be a mother, then maybe I'm not cut out to be one at all.