yes?

Things have been good since my last post. The husband said yes. You'd think I'd be ecstatic, but I've heard yes before. Once the tears dry, the yes becomes a no. Not a good time. Not ready yet. Or just plain, "No." I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

He asked for one year. One year of a happy wife. One year of going on vacations (unencumbered). One year of time for just us.

The bad days still come, and I wonder if my year starts over each time. At this rate, he'll never have to worry about following through. I am doing better; I rarely lose it over commercials anymore.

Holding my infant niece is the hardest. I'm fine while we are surrounded by laughing and talking family. It's in that silent minute between conversation, that the despair creeps in. The fear that I won't ever hold my baby. That the soft sigh of a sleeping infant on my chest will always belong to someone else. It feels soo right and yet so unreachable. As much as I try to think aunt/niece, I can't help imagining mom/child.

The Road Not Taken

This baby thing has gotten to be an obsession. It's all I think about. If I'm making dinner I'm thinking about how I would have to make it kid friendly or how I would have to add veggies to make it healthier.

Lately, I've been speding a lot of time thinking about how I got to where I am. I wonder about past choices I made. If I had made some different choices I could have already had a child or three. I'd have probably been living in a samll crummy apartment or squalid moblie home. Or living with my parents. By now I'd probably be divorced and bitter. But I knew where that path led, which is why I passed by it.

But now I wonder. Maybe it was the better path after all. Is life now better, without kids, than life would have been with kids. Single parent, divorced and struggling financially versus happily married, nice house, financially stable, and childless. Sometimes the thought of those precious babies seem just as positive as those material possessions. Sometimes life without them seems just as bleak as the rundown trailer.

Regret is something I have tried to avoid. Do it right the first time and there is nothing to regret. My favorite line from the movie "With Honors" with Brenden Fraser, is "...graduated life with honor and without regret."

I gave up my chance at being a mom to avoid bringing a child in a world of angry parents. I didn't want to be a single parent. Now I may never be a parent at all. And I can't help wishing that I had done things differently.

Photo Album

On various social networking sites parents proudly post pictures of their precious offspring. Mommy, Daddy and baby all smiling happily for the camera. Are they really that happy??

Husband thinks that all divorces are caused by children. (Wonder what that means for our parents who are still on thier first marriages and seemed to survive having us just fine?) While I admit that children add another layer of stress in a family, I don't think they on their own are enough to break a solid couple. I think divorce happens to couples who already were unstable or who go through more stresses than just being parents. Then again, maybe that's just what I want to believe. I don't want to believe that the happiest day of my life will the end of my marriage.

I can hardly stand to log on anymore. Everyone is pregnant. Everyone is happy. The babies are adorable. And I'm constantly reminded of what I might not have. Constant reminders of time marching on and eggs withering. Sure I might still be able to get pregnant at 40, but who wants (in a perfect world) to be 60 and attending their high school graduation?

Me today, Mom tomorrow?

Today, I don't want to be a mom. Today, I have the whole day to just be me and to do whatever I want to do. No demands, no "mommy, mommy, mommy," no "I want...," no "it's not fair" tempertantrums. No messes to clean up that I didn't make. No cartoons on the tv. No Pb & J lunches, no macaroni & cheese dinners.

But everyday is like today for me. I'm not a mom. I might not ever be a mom. And while I miss out on all the hassels and headaches, I wonder what else I'm missing out on: dandelion bouquets, the soft sighs of a sleeping baby, sticky hugs filled with love...

Seems like taking the easy way out to avoid the bad in life. So does the good outway the bad?

I want all the good things. I can see it, feel it. I see kids getting ready for school, fighting over the bathroom. I see family dinners around the table. I can feel that pink bundle in my arms. She is as light as a dream.

As much as half of me can only picture the good, another part of me sees the bad. The stress, both financially and personally, the constant bickering, the loss of free time and choice. The negative is all the husband sees. And without him on board for this long-term lifestyle change, I can't be a mom.

Some days, the thought of never being a mom makes my soul ache.

However, today, I'm thankful for my me time. I get to be selfish and sip my chai latte, munch on my cream cheese bagel, and start this blog on the computer, read my book, and relax.

Today, I don't want to be a mom. If I can have days like this, days where I don't want to be a mother, then maybe I'm not cut out to be one at all.