Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Road Not Taken

This baby thing has gotten to be an obsession. It's all I think about. If I'm making dinner I'm thinking about how I would have to make it kid friendly or how I would have to add veggies to make it healthier.

Lately, I've been speding a lot of time thinking about how I got to where I am. I wonder about past choices I made. If I had made some different choices I could have already had a child or three. I'd have probably been living in a samll crummy apartment or squalid moblie home. Or living with my parents. By now I'd probably be divorced and bitter. But I knew where that path led, which is why I passed by it.

But now I wonder. Maybe it was the better path after all. Is life now better, without kids, than life would have been with kids. Single parent, divorced and struggling financially versus happily married, nice house, financially stable, and childless. Sometimes the thought of those precious babies seem just as positive as those material possessions. Sometimes life without them seems just as bleak as the rundown trailer.

Regret is something I have tried to avoid. Do it right the first time and there is nothing to regret. My favorite line from the movie "With Honors" with Brenden Fraser, is "...graduated life with honor and without regret."

I gave up my chance at being a mom to avoid bringing a child in a world of angry parents. I didn't want to be a single parent. Now I may never be a parent at all. And I can't help wishing that I had done things differently.